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 Post subject: Something Funny Happened on the Way to the Dragon Soul
PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:11 am 
Pluperfection
Pluperfection
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Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 10:05 pm
Posts: 872
Location: Charlestown, MA
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~ ~ ~ Act I ~ ~ ~

Since ancient times, dark and nefarious forces have plagued the land of Azeroth, preying upon the weak, the timid, the careless. Abetted by powerful forces lingering upon the frayed boundaries of time and space, these masterful bringers of doom have twice nearly destroyed all free life in the universe.

First, they sought the powers of the Well of Eternity, but the arrayed forces of primordial Azeroth stymied them by converting the enchanted drinking fountain into a perpetually flowing toilet of magnificent scale; the defenders then promptly smote the evil by giving it a swirlie. However, the Well was changed forever, and the defenders have been trying to unclog it ever since. Seriously. Have you ever seen how much hair pure evil has? It's like a barber's wet dream.

Second, they tried to destroy Azeroth again by punching it with a gigantic fist fashioned out of other, less annoying planets, but due to poor eyesight from all that broodingly long hair, they missed Azeroth and punched its sister, Draenor, instead. Indignant, Draenor didn't speak to Azeroth for centuries, which turned out to be a good thing, because Draenor was fucking ANNOYING.

Now, we are faced by the third coming of the dark and nefarious and conveniently nondescript enemy. Neltharion, the Earth-Warder, was once a bright-eyed and scaly-tailed young dragon with aspirations of making it big in the interplanetary music scene. However, in his quest for fame and glory, his relations with the mortals of Azeroth suffered, largely because his singing teacher was a Siren, and for some reason, mortals are really attached to their ships and don't like them crashing upon rocks.

After learning of Neltharion's musical hopes, the enemy devised a devilish ploy: by taking powers from many immortal singers, they forged the Auto Tune. As talentless mortals imbued by the power of the Auto Tune began to rise to prominence, Neltharion, whose music was relegated to the "artsy" fringe, was driven mad with rage. The rest of his dragonflight met a similar fate when Neltharion captured a popular singer and made them listen to what her voice actually sounded like. Neltharion disowned his folksy roots and became a rapper, taking on a new name: Def Wing. Unfortunately, his publicist had an intractable lisp.

You may be wondering why Def Wing's transition from his original music stylings represents a grave threat to Azeroth. That's because I'm a crappy storyteller. Def Wing decided to take the world by storm by creating a new style of music, Dragon Soul. To celebrate, he announced that he would host a fashion show starring some of Azeroth's best (and most attractive) heroes...

...like yours truly!

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Fabulous! Anyways, like you might (must) have guessed, I got invited to it, but I had Nothing. To. Wear. Ugh! Everything I had was sooooo last-tier. So, the first step was to acquire a hat, which, as every fashionista knows, is the height of fashion, because you wear it on top of your head. I needed something very plushy and very noveau. Everyone seemed to be wearing hats that fit their heads, so I decided that I would be super avante-garde and go with a hat that was as large as I could possibly find. Sartorial genius!

Anyways, I looked everywhere for one, and I finally found one by beating up this taxi driver.

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~ ~ ~ ~ Act II ~ ~ ~ ~

After finally managing to find an absurdly oversized hat, we wondered where we could get the next piece of my soon-to-be-glam outfit. But then, we got hungry and decided to have some Chinese food, so we went to my fave place downtown! It's so ghetto-fabulous, and we can never pronounce all those funny things in the name, so we just call it Shannox, because my best friend's name is Shannon, and she found the place, and putting an "X" in it makes it sound more exotique.

Anyways, it's run by this kind of creepy guy who makes really good Moo Shoo Pork. He must also be some kind of dog lover or something, because we always see these dogs running around, and he's always throwing things at them to get them to stop biting us. This particular time, he said he was out of Moo Shoo Pork, so we killed him.

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Act III ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Never get between me, my Blahniks, my revitalizing strips, my hammer, and my Moo Shoo Pork. Like...if me, my Blahniks, my revitalizing strips, my hammer, and Moo Shoo Pork formed the vertices of a convex pentagon, you'd best not be within the boundaries of said pentagon. Anyways, where was I?

Oh, so we go and kill the Moo Shoo Pork guy, which I think is a perfectly reasonable reaction given how much stress I was under, and then, lo and behold, out comes this cook from the back, and he looked like he was coming after us! He kept waving his arms around and stomping on the ground, yelling at us in broken Common, and he kept looking at us like we were supposed to do something! The worst part was that he was all red and sweaty, probably because he was on fire.

I just sat there and stared, because I just didn't know what to do! I mean, should I go with a big, fluffy outfit to go with the dramatically sized headwear, or should I go small for contrast? I'm just not meant for these split-second decisions! I like decisions where I can split first!

Oh, and while I was making that critical decision, my girlfriend doused him with some gasoline. It was probably an oil fire, so using water would have been dangerous. As if we would be that dumb!

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Act IIII ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yeah, that's a picture of him after we helped him. Shannon also spritzed him with some of her 1872, because he was starting to smell and she didn't want to waste the No 1.

As we were walking along, minding our own business, BAM! Fashion hit us right in our face. Except that it wouldn't, because it wouldn't touch our face, so it was more like it waved at us. Right there, in the window, was the chicest second piece for my splendiferous outfit! It was a beautiful coat of red plumage, gently feathered, and glistening like a million diamonds that had been made to look like feathers. I just had to have it. The only teensy complication was that the coat was still attached to a living bird-thing. I eyed the coat, and the bird-thing eyed me, giving me this look of disdain like the coat was part of its body or something.

I'm no stranger to fighting over clothes, and I knew that I couldn't just pepper-spray my competition and run off to the register this time. We converged into the smartest little huddle you ever did see, and we decided that I would beat up the bird-thing's kids while the others thrashed her friends.

It was time to ruffle some feathers. Hehe. I should have said that when we were skinning her.

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Act IIIII ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ok, so Shannon told me that saying that was kind of creepster, but we all know that cuties can't be creepsters, even when they kill their friends.

Anyway, I was all out of ideas for the rest of my accouterments, so we decided to hit up the clubs so we could make fun of people and score free drinks. We drove all over until we saw a bouncer standing in front of an entryway. This club was magnifique--it was so exclusive, we couldn't even see it! We went to walk right into the hole where the club was supposed to be, but then the unthinkable happened: he stopped us!

I figured the bouncer was trying to play hard-to-get, so I went up to give him a little smooch, but then the even-more-unthinkable happened: he backed away and tried to take my head off with his sword!

The gall! That. Was. It. He crossed the line there. Nobody--and I mean, NOBODY--backs away when I try to smooch.

He got the kiss of death instead.

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File comment: Psst: don't read too much into the whole "El likes to write about crazy women" bit.
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Act IIIIII ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After we made it into the club, we were greeted by an elfin magician who practiced bondage, could give himself crabs or turn into a pussy, and was wearing nothing but leather and feathers. Oh. My. Gawd. This was a gay bar, full of flaming homosexuals! That probably explained why the bouncer didn't want any sugar...

It was about this time that I noticed that he was wearing a diamond the size of my head on one of his oversized fingers. Somehow, he tripped over one of his gimps and stopped breathing.

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File comment: Faghelm. Teehee.
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Act IIIIIII ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After we had a couple of drinks and danced to YMCA, we wandered around looking for the exit. Of course, we could have turned around and gone out the way we came, but we were afraid that we'd get kicked back into the bar. So, naturally, we decided to go into the door marked "Employees Only". We walked back, trudging through lava, smashing up floating rocks, and beating up gigantic armor-covered worms with our Prada bags, and we kept getting these weird looks from people there, probably because they finally figured out that this lipstick is a couple shades too red for my complexion. I know, I know, that probably sounds crazy given the circumstances, but it was the only unmelted stick that had any glitter in it!

Once we got to the back, we found an exit through a huge circle of fire, but there was a big emo pyro kid standing in it, looking all guilty and shit. What is it with this place and fire? They should call this place something that suits it, like... uh... Burny...place... or something. Anyways, he got really angry, probably because we interrupted his "personal time", and he started trying to kill us with fire. And screamo. I'm still not quite sure which one is worse.

Seriously. Is that a person making that racket?

Anyways, we managed to outsmart the emo by telling him to go cry in a corner.

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Act IIIIIIII ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

OH MY GAWD IT'S A SHOEBOX! WHAT'S INSIDE? WHAT'S INSIDE?

AIYEEEEE! Def Wing, here we come!

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 Post subject: Re: Something Funny Happened on the Way to the Dragon Soul
PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 1:12 am 
Pluperfection
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Joined: Mon Sep 06, 2010 10:05 pm
Posts: 872
Location: Charlestown, MA
Unfortunately, I'm missing the H Alys downing photo.


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 Post subject: Re: Something Funny Happened on the Way to the Dragon Soul
PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:02 am 
Critter Soloist
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Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2011 1:09 pm
Posts: 141
Location: California
And this is your swan song to raid posts. Congratz!



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